Ok

So here we go...

Yes some of this has to do with Ava and pictures but most of it was because when I applied for that promotion they went rooting and searched for me online and it came up because part of my name in the address ugh...and they read until they found something about work even though it wasn't bad and then grilled me on it.

Then she changed her tune when if I had to guess HR got a hold of it and saw how I said I hope I get an interview being that I'm on leave and won't be back until my current boss is about to switch over and was worried there wouldn't be enough time for training...so when she called to say I didn't get it with a bajillion stupid reasons she then started talking about how they were going to be very open and willing to change interview processes and training being it was under FMLA mmmhmmm yah you were afraid I'd sue your ass.

And that's fine if you want to check your employee's stuff then do it for everyone...so what while I'm a coordinator I'm not that important and shouldn't act appropriate but once I move one measly step up you're not worried? You should be very worried about many of your employee's and what they say and do that reflect very badly on your company.

And after all the pushing I did when we were trying to get the FCC to see that their rates aren't fair (and I still think that) but I bet you were ok with me blogging that trying to get comments on why it should be higher huh...whatever

It made it that much more worse to come back to this place on top of the emotional roller coaster I've been on leaving Ava.

This was my first week back and I'm miserable, heart broken, distraught....need any more adjectives???

My nose is raw and sore and I have sinus pressure and my eyes look like Oprah's y'all.

I don't want to hear it will get better because I know in my heart it won't. Some women love the freedom and Independence they gain from going back to work and well some they just HAVE to but I don't. I have run the numbers so many times and today with a clear head realized I was off by about 150 and so that's money saved plus I always gave what Mr. B would make if it was the bare minimum and after looking at his pay for last year it would be about an additional 1000 come on....that's after all expenses are paid and I'm talking gas for my car even and his monthly membership to a football site. We'd have about 2k for whatever and savings. and yes some months maybe smaller but that's plenty.

So we'll be discussing this again.

Then last night I was playing with Ava and telling him how a mom at the daycare is pregnant again and her son will only be 13 months when the other is born and he was like "whoa that's close" and I said yes it is.

Then he goes "what age do you think is good for a 2nd child"...I was like eh 2-2.5 years is ideal...not much older than that.

Then he was asking what our friends daughters age was because that would be good and I said she's 4 that's too much haha and he's like "it would be nice if Ava would be out of diapers" and I said well that's 3 so that's a little too much.

WTF Mr. B where did this come from????

He took forever to decide on one and always said we can't "afford" a 2nd...umm ok and when we were having it out about being a SAHM he said "and if you ever want number 2 you have to work" and I said that if it meant I could stay at home with Ava then I would be ok with just her.

Keep in mind folks I would do playdates and the library does readings and what not...she would definitely not be locked in her room and we'd go on walks almost daily and she'd get so much more including me teaching her some sign.

So I just don't get the thing about 2nd child...I don't know what's going on in his mind. Maybe he's just having a lot of emotions and can't process them. I know with our refinance coming up he's realizing I can stay home because he keeps making hints about how he feels like he's having a heart attack or he got mad at his job...I think he's doing that to make me think oh I better work. (He really wasn't even close to having a heart attack by the way)

And I will go back to work once Ava is in pre-school probably part time and then I'll go full time when she does or if my Etsy business picks up and does well I'll do that.

I'm still holding out.
It's frustrating that I haven't even gotten a message inquiring but I need to be patient.

And even if Mr. B agreed I made the deal that I'd work and pay off a loan we have...well we'd use some tax return money but I would take my entire check to pay it off so that's about middle of March which is an eternity but would be doable if I knew that I only had what 5-6 weeks of this.

And I like the daycare as much as I can like a daycare. I know they love her since she's the only little girl and they are very concerned about her but there are 5 babies and sometimes there are 2 ladies in there but still...her hair has started going bald in the back after 3 days in daycare....and I know it's not from home since she sleeps on her sides its from her being in a swing all day and I cried about that because it was such cute hair...le sigh

Anyways tax return is done except waiting for one small thing that won't affect the payout and we're getting a total of 5500 back yeeeeesir...plus we have overage on our escrow that we'll be getting back too. I did promise him he could get a riding lawn mower and I'm sticking to that (and that's another thing I'll sell that I can at least try and do some yard work while Ava sleeps just would have to be in the back and on the side that isn't by her window and I can even finish when he gets home so he can spend time with her). And we'll put some of that towards the loan and still have a good amount for savings.

I'll save tons on gas, and from my lunches because I told him if I'm working I'm eating out everyday. So we'll see