Gaping hole

I just miss you so much. It's funny I read something yesterday that said "there's not a DAY that goes by that I don't think about you"

Wow would I love that. To only feel utter and complete sadness, anguish, misery, heartbreak, bitterness, jealousy for only one moment of the day. 

If I have gone more than 3-4 minutes without thinking about you and remembering the day I found out and the day we delivered you that is that is a good day. 

Now not all of the moments I'm thinking about you are sad. I know how amazing and precious you are. But then that DOES make me sad because you're not here. 

I should be having strangers say "whoa due any minute right?" And me saying "oh no still two months to go". 

What I'd give to be completely miserable in this summer heat just to have you. 

I got a hold of a lady who retouches stillborn pictures for free. She did two for us. 

It was so strange seeing you different but you definitely had your daddies nose. 

I miss you with every aching part of my body my wonderful son. 

I know you know that. I know you feel this. I know you don't want me to be sad but how can I not be?  The greatest gift and miracle that was to complete me and our family is not here physically. 

My baby you'll always be

2 months

It's amazing that it's already been two months at 12:14pm that we said hello and goodbye to you Grant. 

This entire week I relived the whole induction/labor process and delivery. 

I do not like to relive that Thursday. 

It feels like yesterday. And when I say that I mean down to smells, exhaustion, pain. All of it. Yet it feels like years ago that part of my soul was ripped out from me. 

Today we blew bubbles to your tree and to you in heaven. 

You didn't stop chiming your wind chime. A red robin flew infront if me today. We saw four dragonflies. 

I know you were here with us love. 

My heart aches....

It's Been Awhile

Still here...still sad...still in pain. 

It's sort of the same thing. I'll have a decent day or two and then get knocked down again. 

It's getting harder in some ways. 

Today I had some hard things. I know people really do care but sometimes they don't think of their actions and it really kills me. 

The girls are smart. I know I am doing my job because they get life. Unfortunately for me that means playing on my emotions. 

Sometimes when A 2.0 isn't getting her way and starts to cry she'll say "I'm crying because I miss my baby brother". 

Now there's no doubt she misses him. But she just turned 3. I know she does that to get her way. 

But today was soul crushing. 

A would not lay down to nap. After asking her 6 times I finally said A I'll have to give you a spanken if you don't stop because you're kicking us. 

Without missing a beat she says...

"Grant would not like that if you did that". 

Wow

Gut fucking punch

I couldn't believe that 

I firmly told her we would not be doing that anymore. That it is not right to talk about Grant like that. 

It really hurt. 

Song

So the song A Thousand Years is so beautiful. I know it was in Twilight (😁) but not only does this song remind me of the day I will see Grant again but it reminds me what I would feel when I meet my future rainbow baby (If I'm lucky enough). 

It just really resonates with me. 

Mr B. Has been out of town all week so I just sent him the lyrics and he wrotr back and said those are beautiful.