Megan was our nurse.
She was so incredibely sweet and walked us through everything that would be happening.
She took a ton of blood so she wouldn't have to bother me again.
Then she gave me ---- which would help me to start contracting. Very soon after I started to feel crampy.
When I laid on my right side the contractions were much stronger.
Mike fell asleep for a bit and I was able to for a little bit.
At 5am I was checked and I was still not dialted. So another round of --- this time the contractions really hit hard.
It was nurse switch and nurse Kim came on at 7.
She was so sweet and told us more on what to expect.
The contractions were becoming harder so I asked for something but not an epidural because that would most likely mean an overnight stay. She gave me stadol.
I did not like that! As soon as I took it with contractions I felt like I was going to pass out. I felt very hot. Kim started leaving a bp cuff on and said my bp was fine.
The stadol took the edge off of the contractions but I still felt like a knife was stabbing my vagina.
Also from about
5am I would have diarrhea every hour like clock work.
Dr Davis came in around 9 and said I was 2 cm or more. I was also told that I probably only needed to be about 5/6 dilated to have Grant.
She did not want to give another round of --- because she felt my body was doing it on it's own but if I noticed my contractions slowing a lot we would do a dose
at 1pm.
From then on the contractions got heavy. Very painful. And I started to feel sick.
Mike was facetiming with the girls and then I got sick.
Nurse Kim gave me a shot of phengren to help with that.
I would literally fall asleep for 30 seconds to two minutes and wake screaming with a contraction.
Around 11 I asked for more stadol but it did the same thing as earlier. No help.
Nurse Kim was going on lunch so Nurse Kristin would be covering.
I finally was going to bite the bullet and get an epi but asked to be checked.
This was about
11:45. She checked and said I was dilated 10cm and she could feel the bag of waters bulging.
Because of the circumstances she said I could still get an epi but I said no.
They paged Dr Davis. She came in and checked and said the same thing. She said she did not want to break the waters because of situations like this especially since I've had two previous sections he could possibly just follow right out from the bag.
I had been bearing down during contractions for awhile to help through them.
They were soooo painful at this point. I kept pushing through and felt a little pressure.
Then I really felt pressure. I knew something was about to happen.
I think it took two or three more contractions and with a push gooosh!
And I opened my eyes for a split second and there was the water bag, blood, fluid, and my baby boy. Laying on his right side and he had turned (well the fluid made him float and turn) and he came out head first.
(The confirmation ultrasound listed him as breech).
I closed my eyes to get through the rest of the contraction.
Then Dr Davis cut his tiny little cord and they scooped him up to clean him and take some pictures.
They started me on pitocin to help get the placenta out and start contracting my uterus since I wouldn't obviously be breast feeding.
They let us hold him for a minute then took a few naked pictures. Then took him to bereavement to take a few samples to test for infection and chromosomal.
About
15 minutes later Dr Davis came back in and asked if I was contracting. I wasn't so she went in and pulled my placenta out.
She's testing that as well.
They then cleaned Grant up, did his foot prints, dressed him, took some pictures then let is hold him and took pictures of us.
I was able to get a little cleaned up which felt good.
We took turns holding Grant and talking to him.
Mike was a mess. Crying a lot.
I stayed strong that whole day. I knew that day I had to be strong for my baby boy.
I looked over every crevice of his body that wasn't clothed. I whispered special things to him that only him and I will ever know.
I couldn't tell if he had my toes because they were too closed together but he definitely had my chin.
It was hard. He had been passed for awhile so his eye brows and lips were white where the skin was changing.
His face was a little swollen so I fully expect it to come back as some kind of infection.
But from his side view I could see a resemblance of the girls.
Some parts of his body his skin was peeling (shoulders etc).
His body was soft and tacky and reddish of course.
But he was my boy.
We had a chaplain come in and bless him. Nurse Kim stayed and prayed with us.
The chaplain gave us a beautiful white cloth with a cross stitched that she put on him while praying. She also gave us a bigger cross which was nice.
Around 4 we were going to be transferred to recovery so we said our final physical goodbyes to our first son.
In recovery I was able to get to eat after I hadn't eaten in 24 hours.
Someone came in to take info for the death certificate....death certificate. What a horrible thing.
I was doing well so I asked if I could be released around
5:30.
I got dressed and waited for a wheelchair.
It never came. So I opened my door.
And there on the door was a picture of a leaf with a rain drop falling on it.
I knew right away that meant parent of a loss and to try and keep her away from crying babies.
My nurse came back and wheeled me to the car.
And with that we left our sweet boy there alone.
I love you my son. Until we meet again...
