April 16th

It was the day of my 6 month appointment. 

The night before I actually had a tiny bit of reddish to pink discharge but no cramping. This also happened at 11 weeks and I had to see a NP and did an internal ultrasound which showed everything was well. 

Then it went away. 

But I mentioned it to my doc. I had an uneasy feeling deep down. I'm sure I knew on some level. 

Grant just wasn't a kicker. So it was common to go a day without feeling him. 

I had even brought the girls. 

And then she couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. 

The girls were being loud and silly and I knew my doctor was growing anxious. I'm sure just blaming it on them but I knew better. 

She brought in her old ultrasound machine. She had to turn the lights completely off. 

I knew right away there was no heartbeat and my doctor started to cry and say I'm sorry. 

She wanted me to get a real ultrasound just in case. So the nurse escorted me and the girls down (the looks in the waiting room of the doc and ultrasound were of oh shit this can't be good looks). 

I Was escorted right away into a room and the nurse kept the girls outside. 

The tech right away said I'm sorry.

She did a quick measurement and when the info popped up I saw EDD 8/10/2015 then the computers EDD 9/5/2015. 

Right away I knew something bad happened soon after my 5 month scan. 

It was picture perfect by the way. I say it was the most detailed ultrasound I've ever had. And I've had roughly 20 between the three. 

That tech checked placement or organs and functionality of them, valves in the heart, certain things in the brain, even checked for cleft lip and palate. 

My quad screen was negative at 16 weeks. 

So we shuffled back to the doctors actual office. 

The girls were oblivious. Getting suckers and kicking off their rain boots to relax. 

I couldn't even muster the strength to cal Me. b. I text. We lost him. He called inconsolable and I told him In Couldn't right now. 

My doctor told me that I could go for an induction right away or come back whenever I Was ready. And even though I had two previous sections she wanted me to deliver vaginally. 

I literally thought what in the fuck?  But she said he would be small enough she wasn't concerned with any issues and it wasn't good to have a section for him being so small. 

So I left saying I would call the next day (Friday). 

Mr. b had zoomed there and met us at the elevators. 

I kept my cool until we got to the car and we both lost it. 

Our baby boy...our first boy....our third child was gone....