Wednesday, July 1, 2015

2 steps forward...

5 steps back. 

Just as I thought...key word is thought I was doing well I sunk again. 

You know losing a child is obviously emotionally taxing but mentally it's a bitch too. 

I had doing okay for about 3 days. That night I had this huge wave of guilt hit me. So time consuming that I stopped what I was doing to apologize to Grant. 


I apologize all of the time to him because I just feel like I should've been able to save him. I know that's unrealistic but that's my reality. 

And now I'm apologizing about sort of being happy for a few days. 

I cried myself to sleep that night after talking with him again. 

The next day was going ok and then the infamous tidal wave hit me again. 

And I was a wreck. 

When I get in that space I walk around in a daze. I can feed the girls and make sure they'e alive haha but nothing else exists. I physically can't eat. 

Which I would love if I were dropping weight but after initially dropping 15 pounds I'm at a stand still because I'm not breast feeding :(

Today at swim lessons a little boy about 13 months old was wearing the same old school Mickey shirt we got Grant to wear that matched the shirt Mr. B when we were at Disney. 

That's the hard part. Those stings. More like a dagger to the heart. 

So after lessons I blared A Thousand Years and Gone Too Soon and remembered my sweet boy and embraced the girls talking about him. 

I miss you my love. 

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