April 16th

It was the day of my 6 month appointment. 

The night before I actually had a tiny bit of reddish to pink discharge but no cramping. This also happened at 11 weeks and I had to see a NP and did an internal ultrasound which showed everything was well. 

Then it went away. 

But I mentioned it to my doc. I had an uneasy feeling deep down. I'm sure I knew on some level. 

Grant just wasn't a kicker. So it was common to go a day without feeling him. 

I had even brought the girls. 

And then she couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. 

The girls were being loud and silly and I knew my doctor was growing anxious. I'm sure just blaming it on them but I knew better. 

She brought in her old ultrasound machine. She had to turn the lights completely off. 

I knew right away there was no heartbeat and my doctor started to cry and say I'm sorry. 

She wanted me to get a real ultrasound just in case. So the nurse escorted me and the girls down (the looks in the waiting room of the doc and ultrasound were of oh shit this can't be good looks). 

I Was escorted right away into a room and the nurse kept the girls outside. 

The tech right away said I'm sorry.

She did a quick measurement and when the info popped up I saw EDD 8/10/2015 then the computers EDD 9/5/2015. 

Right away I knew something bad happened soon after my 5 month scan. 

It was picture perfect by the way. I say it was the most detailed ultrasound I've ever had. And I've had roughly 20 between the three. 

That tech checked placement or organs and functionality of them, valves in the heart, certain things in the brain, even checked for cleft lip and palate. 

My quad screen was negative at 16 weeks. 

So we shuffled back to the doctors actual office. 

The girls were oblivious. Getting suckers and kicking off their rain boots to relax. 

I couldn't even muster the strength to cal Me. b. I text. We lost him. He called inconsolable and I told him In Couldn't right now. 

My doctor told me that I could go for an induction right away or come back whenever I Was ready. And even though I had two previous sections she wanted me to deliver vaginally. 

I literally thought what in the fuck?  But she said he would be small enough she wasn't concerned with any issues and it wasn't good to have a section for him being so small. 

So I left saying I would call the next day (Friday). 

Mr. b had zoomed there and met us at the elevators. 

I kept my cool until we got to the car and we both lost it. 

Our baby boy...our first boy....our third child was gone....

Those horrible gut wrenching words...

I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat. 

I sucked at the blog thing. I really did. 

I felt such guilt over not updating weekly like I did with the girls but I was sooo sick this pregnancy coupled with working from home, doing all household stuff and having the girls at home left me no available feeling giddy enough to update. 

But let me assure you. My little boy was soooo loved by me. So so loved. 

And then it was all taken away from me in an instant. 

Back!

So New York was nice. And by nice I mean the whole process for me. I'm glad I picked a busy place for my first time away. 

I think if I had picked Scottsdale or Destin the "lounging and relaxing" would've made me really sad. 

I'm going to review each day via a mew post otherwise it will never get done haha

One week

Boy my anxiety is starting to creep up. I'm really nervous about our trip. They are in great hands I just don't know if I'm ready to leave the girls for that long. 

A day sure but 3.5 and we both fly. Ack!

Change Up

So I am a researcher thanks to MR. B but also very indecisive haha. 

I was reading Gramercy Tavern's tastin menu again last night and was just eh about it. 

I started looking at all of the Michelin rated restaurants and went back to Annisa. 

The tasting menu looked fantastuc and was where I wanted to be per person. 

Read a bunch of reviews and they were all wonderful. 

They had a reservation for the same time as Gramercy too!  

So I took to chowhound and posted. Quickly getting Annisa!!!!  Or check on reservations but Annisa. 

So I cancelled Gramercy Tavern and got Annisa!  So excited. 

Food in NYC

So the first day we fly in we'll grab lunch probably at Shake Shack and then we head to the 9/11 museum. 

We know we'll be there a few hours then head back to freshen up before our dinner reservations at Bar-bo-né. 

Sunday we have a VERY early reservation to take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty/Ellis Island. 

For lunch we may do Momofoku Noodle Bar or Spotted Pig. Or we may wander around Chelsea Market and find something. 

We'll hang out and go wherever. 

Then back tothe hotel to get ready for dinner reservations at Keens Steakhouse. We really wanted Peter Lugers but all they had was either lunch or a 9:45pm. 

Keens has a ton of history and delicious steaks and mutton chops. 

We'll probably try and go to a bar after this. Maybe one of those secret speak easys and see if we can get in. Heh. 

Monday brings our free day. Other than the Brooklyn bridge I don't care what we do. Katz Deli is on the list for lunch and maybe roam around Eataly and Cental Park. 

We'll go to FAO Swarz to find the girls something I'm sure. 

Then my birthday dinner at the Michelin star...

Very excited about Gramercy Tavern!

Tuesday we fly out at 11 so it gives us enough time to grab breakfast and head to the airport. 

Oh and I really really really want to go to Serendipity3 for the cold hot chocolate or a sundae. 

And I'll have to sneak a slice of pizza and would love a bagel with lox. But we are limited on time and our hotel doesn't have a gym so I have to take that into consideration. 

I'll probably do twoadays a week before and after haha

Birthday Getaway...

So for my 30th birthday we decided to do a small getaway. My aunt and are kids are coming in from St Louis to watch the girls. I am excited and incredibley nervous at the same time. 

I really am worried I'll be super sad abd miss them and I hope they're good. 

They're really good kids but unfortunately and fortunately they have a few idocinrecies and are OCD about some things. 

Geeee I wonder where they got that from heh. 

We'll be pretty busy Saturday and Sunday but Monday we made it to just do whatever and I worry that's the day I'll have a hard time. 

We looked at so many locations and ultimately settled on NYC. 

It will be my third time there but I just love that city. I could seriously live there. 

The two other times I never made it to the Statue of Liberty or Ellis Island and already the crown was booked but we'll be able to do the pedestal. 

I also want to walk over the Brooklyn bridge. 

Now that the 9/11 museum is open we got tickets for that as well. 

We'd love to do a broadway show but don't want to cram in everything. 

We've booked our dinners as well. But I'll save all the food for another post. 

Anxiously excited.