Every day

Everyday I look forward to nights when everyone goes to sleep. 

It may seem silly because often it's my time to cry and be sad but it's also my time with you. 

We used to watch CSI Miami and Law & Order on WE. You'd kick me and I'd get Braxton Hicks. 

I still feel you with me. That's why I watch episodes I've already seen over and over again. 

Because it was our thing...just me and you love. 

It hurts so much

My baby you'll always be...

Rough

I've had a rough couple of days. Probably the worst since those first few weeks. 

I anticipate I'll be ok next week and then gear up for a horrible birthday, due date, and 4 months missing my boy. 

I wish I could describe the pain I have when I say I miss him. It's unbearable. 

My baby you'll always be

Broke Down

I broke down yesterday. As in 7 hours of breaking down. My periods coming soon and I know that will be gut wrenching coupled with Grant being gone for 3 months 

I woke up this morning feeling so defeated and sad. I'm crying again. But don't want to. Only because I have a horrible headsche from crying so much yesterday and being dehydrated. 

When I get in one of these moods I don't want to do anything. Work, clean, laundry, or even eat. 

I didn't eat last night, won't eat breakfast and probably won't eat lunch. I know I'm only hurting myself and I know it was a fluke but I almost punish myself because I was supposed to protect my son. 

My only son. Possibly forever. 

Inconsolabley heartbroken. 

You need a boy...

A has been asking to get pancakes for weeks. So we finally go to a local place by our house today. 

Of course our waitress walks up probably about 7 months pregnant still trying to fit in pre pregnancy clothes which is not working. 

No hi how are you?  No my name is...nope. 

Oh no boys?  You need a boy!  You need to try for a boy?!  Looks at A wouldn't you want a brother?  You can have mine if you want. 

Mr. B and I just looked at each other awkwardly like "did she just fucking say that?"  Sorry no other way to say it. 

A looked at her confused like why is this lady saying this to me?

We were both prepared for "how many children do you have?"  I would have easily said 2 living girls and one boy in heaven. 

But that. I literally felt like she knocked the wind out of me. 

I know she had no way of knowing that we DO have a son and he's gone but why would she go on and on about it?

What if it took a lot to get the girls?  What if they were adopted?  What if I had to have an emergency hysterectomy and my chances of children were gone forever?  Or WHAT IF I had a stillborn?....

And the comment of you can have mine made me think she already has a son at home and would have preferred a girl. 

2 steps forward...one step back. 

2 steps forward...

5 steps back. 

Just as I thought...key word is thought I was doing well I sunk again. 

You know losing a child is obviously emotionally taxing but mentally it's a bitch too. 

I had doing okay for about 3 days. That night I had this huge wave of guilt hit me. So time consuming that I stopped what I was doing to apologize to Grant. 

Apologized!

I apologize all of the time to him because I just feel like I should've been able to save him. I know that's unrealistic but that's my reality. 

And now I'm apologizing about sort of being happy for a few days. 

I cried myself to sleep that night after talking with him again. 

The next day was going ok and then the infamous tidal wave hit me again. 

And I was a wreck. 

When I get in that space I walk around in a daze. I can feed the girls and make sure they'e alive haha but nothing else exists. I physically can't eat. 

Which I would love if I were dropping weight but after initially dropping 15 pounds I'm at a stand still because I'm not breast feeding :(

Today at swim lessons a little boy about 13 months old was wearing the same old school Mickey shirt we got Grant to wear that matched the shirt Mr. B when we were at Disney. 

That's the hard part. Those stings. More like a dagger to the heart. 

So after lessons I blared A Thousand Years and Gone Too Soon and remembered my sweet boy and embraced the girls talking about him. 

I miss you my love. 

Gaping hole

I just miss you so much. It's funny I read something yesterday that said "there's not a DAY that goes by that I don't think about you"

Wow would I love that. To only feel utter and complete sadness, anguish, misery, heartbreak, bitterness, jealousy for only one moment of the day. 

If I have gone more than 3-4 minutes without thinking about you and remembering the day I found out and the day we delivered you that is that is a good day. 

Now not all of the moments I'm thinking about you are sad. I know how amazing and precious you are. But then that DOES make me sad because you're not here. 

I should be having strangers say "whoa due any minute right?" And me saying "oh no still two months to go". 

What I'd give to be completely miserable in this summer heat just to have you. 

I got a hold of a lady who retouches stillborn pictures for free. She did two for us. 

It was so strange seeing you different but you definitely had your daddies nose. 

I miss you with every aching part of my body my wonderful son. 

I know you know that. I know you feel this. I know you don't want me to be sad but how can I not be?  The greatest gift and miracle that was to complete me and our family is not here physically. 

My baby you'll always be

2 months

It's amazing that it's already been two months at 12:14pm that we said hello and goodbye to you Grant. 

This entire week I relived the whole induction/labor process and delivery. 

I do not like to relive that Thursday. 

It feels like yesterday. And when I say that I mean down to smells, exhaustion, pain. All of it. Yet it feels like years ago that part of my soul was ripped out from me. 

Today we blew bubbles to your tree and to you in heaven. 

You didn't stop chiming your wind chime. A red robin flew infront if me today. We saw four dragonflies. 

I know you were here with us love. 

My heart aches....