Not fair

You know what's not fair?

Ungrateful people getting pregnant. 

Whiney assholes who are pregnant. 

Attention whores who are pregnant. 

Insensitive jerks who are pregnant. 

People who didn't even want to pregnant. 

People who aren't appreciative of their pregnancy. 

It's not fucking fair!  There I said it. 

I'm so tired of people who know me running their damn mouths with not a care in the world as to how it makes me and others with loss feel. 

This by no means not to share happy moments in your life but if you know me and I mean actually know me or anyone with a loss as a human...as a decent human being you should be able to muster up enough compassion and common sense to limit your complaints. 

You know what my complaint is?

I couldn't choose the urn for my son. 

My husband picked up our sons death  certificate last week but didn't tell me because I got my first period after losing my son and I cried hysterically all night. 

I can't open my sons closet without being nauseous yet can't turn away because that's all I have left. 

That my daughters keep asking when we'll give them a new baby brother or sister. 

That A 2.0 is not referring to her old room as Grant's room she refers it as the new babies room. 

That I don't know if I'll ever have another baby that I yearned for. 

Those are just a few of my complaints right now. 

But please do tell me how much morning sickness sucks, or your sciatic, or bed rest. 

Please I really want to hold your hand through it. 

And this whole time all I keep thinking is how I should be handling this with Grace and should feel ashamed to feel this way and not post it. 

But this is how I feel at this moment. 

The days are getting harder. Not easier. Not like everyone who hasn't gone through it says. 

But on my stillbirth group I know it's normal. 

I hate this. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be envious. 

That is not fair to my sweet baby boy. 

So please God take these horrible feelings away from me so I can focus on my girls and son. 

And work on communicating with my husband on what I need to try and heal.

It's always darkest before dawn. 

Tidal Wave

Yesterday was a fairly good day. 

Today...oh no. Today was a fucking tidal wave. Sorry no other way to say it. 

I got my first period since November 2014. 

My first period since having Grant. 

I have been a wreck. 

It reminded me Grant is gone. 

It reminded me I may never have another child. 

I do not know what my future holds. 

No control

I am crushed

Triggers

Going to A's tbal games suck. 

There's just noway around it. 

Always pregnant women, little babies, little boys. 

I should be that pregnant lady with a good sized belly being I would be 29 weeks. 

29 weeks....

I saw a pregnant lady who looked to be about that as we were walking to the consession stand. 

I just grabbed A 2.0's hand a little harder and hung my head. 

It really stung. 

And while I'm over the initial shock of this all and have gone through most of the grieving stages I think in a sense this will get harder. 

This is when it will get really real. 

The 28 week milestone, missing the GD test, getting closer to due date, summer where Grant woud wear his polos to match his daddy, wearing his LSU and Saints gear, holidays. 

I'm just not ready for all of those reminders. I truly feel like there is a void in our home now. I mean there will always be. Grant's not here. 

But it's more than that for me. 

Happy One Month Birthday

It's Grant's One Month Birthday since he was born and went to Heaven. 

Today was hard. 

Emotionally I have nothing more to give/say. 

So I'll just say I'm allowed to have these days. 

I love you Grant

Gone Too Soon

The band Daughtry wrote a song about miscarriage/stillbirth loss. It really is beautiful and I'm so happy something mainstream is tackling the issue. 

We often feel left out because there's just not enough about this sad issue. 

But I have to say everytime the lyric "not anday goes by that I don't think of you" and "would you have my smile...and her eyes" it hurts so bad. 

I pictured Grant as me. When both of the girls were born everyone said they looked like Mr. B but I just KNEW that Grant would look like me. 

I knew he would be bigger and longer. 

I knew he'd have dark thick hair like me. 

I knew he'd end up having my dark brown eyes. 

I just knew. 

I love you my angel baby. Mommies planning something special for your one month birthday in heaven. 

Would've been...

Today would've been my 28 week appointment. I would've been tested for GB. 

Instead today was exactly 4 weeks since I was told the most horrific news of my life. 

It honestly just doesn't seem real to me. 

I am very well aware that I am bo longer pregnant. 

Down only 15+ pounds I'm left very thick due to not breast feeding and eating properly. 

I'm left with breasts that still have milk to nourish a baby that is no longer. 

I look at all of the bereavement cards, the flowers, the urn. 

But sometimes it really does feel like a bad dream. 

I had a dream last night that I just HAD to get cracklin.

That's one of the only things that would sometimes settle my stomach for an hour or so. And in my dream I was still pregnant with Grant. 

Talk about a waking living nightmare. 

I found a few songs that were soecifically written about stillborns. I had a little cry but for the most part was just really happy that those songs exist. 

One being from Daughtry. It's great to see a popular group address it. 

I wish there wasn't a need for such songs but glad they exist. 

We'll keep plugging along. One foot infront of the other. 

I have heard some say you need to MOVE ON. 

There is no such thing. 

I will try and MOVE FORWARD. But NEVER MOVE ON. 

Grant the Great I don't even know how to describe my sadness, pain, heartbreak, and yearning to hold you and love on you. 

But I know you do know. Because God showed you and you see because I know you're here with me. 

And one day we will physicslly embrace and I'll never let you go my sweet son. Never. 

My baby you'll always be

Ugh

Thank goodness for this quote right now

Steel Magnolias

We love this movie. And I mean A and myself. For her 5th birthday in November she wants a Steel Magnolias themed birthday party...no lie. 

When playing she gets a southern drawl and pretends to be Shelby. 

So it was on tv today. Just the end when Shelby passes. I always cry but the funeral really hit me hard. 

When M'Lynn says will that little boy ever know what Shelby went through just to have him and raise him for a year. 

It took me back to the day I delivered Grant. I was in so much pain physically but of course emotionally too. 

Mr. B was holding him crying and whispered "see that woman right there?...she went through so much pain to have you...she loves you much".  

I would do it again for my little boy even if the outcome was the same. I would have my heart broken over and over again. 

Because that's what mothers do...that's the amount of love I have for my children. 

I miss you my love. 

My baby you'll always be...

A Mothers Day Post- You are the Mother of all Mothers

Today was really hard. 

On one hand my girls and Mr. B did wonderful. They were so excited and thoughtful. 

But on the other hand all I could think of was Grant. And how my belly would be getting so big and how next week would be my GD test and 28 week appointment. 

The girls picked out a few wax melts and one of them was some kind of fall cookie that made me think of how I decorate for the fall and Thanksgiving. It reminded me of football season and how much I love the holidays and just how excited I was that Grant would be here for that. 

I'm not sonsure this year I'll be able to use any of those because it will break my heart. 

I got an amazing book in from some friends. It's called You're the Mother of all Mothers. 

The very first page had me crying. It ws saying exactly how Infeel right now. 

The whole damn book was perfect. I cried, I was sad, I was validated, I was at eace for the moment. 

I just miss you Grant. I don't want you gone. 

I'm so glad today is over. 

2 week follow up

Yesterday I had my two week post partal appointment. But more like 2.5 week pp. 

My doctor spent a lot of time with me which I really appreciated. 

Not all of the pathology labs were back and neither were chromosonal. 

But this is what she did know. 

I do have one marker for a blood clotting gene but only one and not the other you usually need plus she didn'tnsee anything to show cause for a clot in the cord. 

My herpes 1 was elevated. No surprise I have gotten cold sores since Inwas a child. The cut off is .89 and Inwas at .90. So only 1/10th and she says she doesn't think that's the cause. 

She thought it was going to be parvo (never knew adults could get this until I was researching) but I am immune. 

She does not really think it will be chromosonal. My quad screen at 16 weeks was great and he looked fantastic at 20 weeks. 

So there are two sides to the placenta that she cultured. Maternal which is what is attached to the uterus and the other side which is attached to the cord. 

I can't remember what side she saidbut it  came back positive for enterococcus infection. 

She said she doesn't know for sure if that is what killed Grant or since he had been passed for awhile if Ingot the infection after. 

I have a strong feeling when his pathology comes back that it will show he had the infection as well.

It just maks sense for how things transpired. 

She said she does not think I'm at a risk for another stillbirth but since I've had one if we have another child I would see her and an MFM which is a specialist who will most likely do more testing plus more ultrasounds/monitoring. 

My doc said she wiuld have no problem running more tests at my visits eithe and she could give both Mr. B and I zpaks every month just as a preventitive in case I were to get another infection. 

I felt really good after the appointment. I'm really hoping we get Grant's pathology in the next week or two just to know for sure. 

I love you my sweet boy. I think about you every second of the day. 

Today was a hard day...

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. 

It was created for women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths. 

The sad reason for it is in many cases like that (especially if it was someone's first child) is because people don't always see those mothers as mothers. 

It's quite sad because no mother should have to feel like just because she had a limited time with their child (even if in the womb) should feel like their not a mother. 

So until everyone can see everyone as mothers we'll need this day. 

This morning was tough and I was doing ok. We went and got a bracket for Grant's beautiful wind chime. 

It was time for a nap. I nap with the girls but don't allow Me. B to because the girls never fall asleep. 

A cried and cried. So of course he caved. And like before they wouldn't go to sleep. So I said he could take A to her room but I could keep A 2.0. She freaked!  Screaming and crying. Carried on for 10 minutes before I broke down. 

I got up and told him to handle it and I was out. I left. And I drove and I cried. And I parked the car back at home and had a really good hard cry. 

I hadn't really been alone since having Grant and I needed it. 

I came in and slunked into my bed. Mr. B came in and held me and I fell asleep for a bit. 

The rest of the day I was fine. I just needed to get that out. I cry but not like that. It's what I needed to do. 

To be honest I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day. I should've been so excited. I would be 27 weeks. Getting ready to do my geststional diabetes test and knowing that even if Grant needed to be born early he'd have a great chance of survival. 

I've read through all of the infections that can cause stillbirths. I want answers but know that most would be caused by me. 

That is hard to swallow but would be good for closure and for the possible future. 

I love and miss you Grant the Great. 

My baby you'll always be

2 weeks

2 loong and fast weeks since I delivered my baby boy. 

I was on high alert today. Basically on days I think I'm doing better if I push myself to go out and do something and peole are loud, I see people mistreating their kids, see infants, if the girls are running around with a lot of energy I get very upset. 

Almost panick attack like. I have never had a lot of anxiety before, been depressed, or had a panick attack. If it continues in the next few weeks I'll seek help but I have to keep reminding myself it's only been two weeks since my world was turned upside down.

I want to always believe I'm the rock for everyone. That I've always been strong and get through everything but this...this was my son. My growing baby. 

Today I felt immense guilt about what I could have done to save him. I know that most likely there would have been nothing but as a mother you want to protect your children no matter how small they are. And when you fail...well you feel like a failure and the guilt rises. 

Grant your magnolia tree is about to bloom. I look at your tree everyday my love. And I smile knowing you're there with me when I do. 

I just love and miss you so much my son. My heart breaks daily. And just as I feel strong I get knocked down by the pain. 

But I will cry when I need to cry and stand strong when I can because you deserve that from your mommy. To be strong for you. To live for you. I know you're here. I just wish you were physically here in my arms. My sweet angel. 

My baby you'll always be

Stuck

Today it hit me....I'm stuck. 

Tomorrow is two weeks since I delivered my precious boy sleeping and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. 

I remember every single minute once my doctor starting looking for a heartbeat to delivering him to now. 

The seconds drag on. And maybe that's why it also feels like 10 years ago. Because that sadness and pain I have endured so far has added 10 years to my life already. 

You want the weeks to speed by in hopes you'll be a little stronger each day but at the same time you don't because then it feels like you're wanting to move on from your beautiful child. 

I'm just stuck