I was on high alert today. Basically on days I think I'm doing better if I push myself to go out and do something and peole are loud, I see people mistreating their kids, see infants, if the girls are running around with a lot of energy I get very upset.
Almost panick attack like. I have never had a lot of anxiety before, been depressed, or had a panick attack. If it continues in the next few weeks I'll seek help but I have to keep reminding myself it's only been two weeks since my world was turned upside down.
I want to always believe I'm the rock for everyone. That I've always been strong and get through everything but this...this was my son. My growing baby.
Today I felt immense guilt about what I could have done to save him. I know that most likely there would have been nothing but as a mother you want to protect your children no matter how small they are. And when you fail...well you feel like a failure and the guilt rises.
Grant your magnolia tree is about to bloom. I look at your tree everyday my love. And I smile knowing you're there with me when I do.
I just love and miss you so much my son. My heart breaks daily. And just as I feel strong I get knocked down by the pain.
But I will cry when I need to cry and stand strong when I can because you deserve that from your mommy. To be strong for you. To live for you. I know you're here. I just wish you were physically here in my arms. My sweet angel.
My baby you'll always be