Ungrateful people getting pregnant.
Whiney assholes who are pregnant.
Attention whores who are pregnant.
Insensitive jerks who are pregnant.
People who didn't even want to pregnant.
People who aren't appreciative of their pregnancy.
It's not fucking fair! There I said it.
I'm so tired of people who know me running their damn mouths with not a care in the world as to how it makes me and others with loss feel.
This by no means not to share happy moments in your life but if you know me and I mean actually know me or anyone with a loss as a human...as a decent human being you should be able to muster up enough compassion and common sense to limit your complaints.
You know what my complaint is?
I couldn't choose the urn for my son.
My husband picked up our sons death certificate last week but didn't tell me because I got my first period after losing my son and I cried hysterically all night.
I can't open my sons closet without being nauseous yet can't turn away because that's all I have left.
That my daughters keep asking when we'll give them a new baby brother or sister.
That A 2.0 is not referring to her old room as Grant's room she refers it as the new babies room.
That I don't know if I'll ever have another baby that I yearned for.
Those are just a few of my complaints right now.
But please do tell me how much morning sickness sucks, or your sciatic, or bed rest.
Please I really want to hold your hand through it.
And this whole time all I keep thinking is how I should be handling this with Grace and should feel ashamed to feel this way and not post it.
But this is how I feel at this moment.
The days are getting harder. Not easier. Not like everyone who hasn't gone through it says.
But on my stillbirth group I know it's normal.
I hate this. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be envious.
That is not fair to my sweet baby boy.
So please God take these horrible feelings away from me so I can focus on my girls and son.
And work on communicating with my husband on what I need to try and heal.
It's always darkest before dawn.
Screw "handling it with grace." It fucking sucks. So handle it any way you need to. It is so hard to see other people taking it for granted. I've had HG and bedrest, and they are a walk in the park compared to losing a child.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteI know you had such a hard road and Inwas still getting sick even though Grant was gone.
I know we'd both gladly be sick the entire time if that meant not going through what we've gone through.
Thank you. I needed that so much.