Today was a hard day...

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. 

It was created for women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths. 

The sad reason for it is in many cases like that (especially if it was someone's first child) is because people don't always see those mothers as mothers. 

It's quite sad because no mother should have to feel like just because she had a limited time with their child (even if in the womb) should feel like their not a mother. 

So until everyone can see everyone as mothers we'll need this day. 

This morning was tough and I was doing ok. We went and got a bracket for Grant's beautiful wind chime. 

It was time for a nap. I nap with the girls but don't allow Me. B to because the girls never fall asleep. 

A cried and cried. So of course he caved. And like before they wouldn't go to sleep. So I said he could take A to her room but I could keep A 2.0. She freaked!  Screaming and crying. Carried on for 10 minutes before I broke down. 

I got up and told him to handle it and I was out. I left. And I drove and I cried. And I parked the car back at home and had a really good hard cry. 

I hadn't really been alone since having Grant and I needed it. 

I came in and slunked into my bed. Mr. B came in and held me and I fell asleep for a bit. 

The rest of the day I was fine. I just needed to get that out. I cry but not like that. It's what I needed to do. 

To be honest I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day. I should've been so excited. I would be 27 weeks. Getting ready to do my geststional diabetes test and knowing that even if Grant needed to be born early he'd have a great chance of survival. 

I've read through all of the infections that can cause stillbirths. I want answers but know that most would be caused by me. 

That is hard to swallow but would be good for closure and for the possible future. 

I love and miss you Grant the Great. 

My baby you'll always be