Too much

Too much drama that I can't even explain but suffice it to say I got hung out to dry and had some low blows said. 

Apparently I need to seek help. Haha. I find that comical being I'm not ignoring my issues and have done nothing but go full throttle since I lost Grant. 

I have allowed every single emotion even the crappy bitterness and unfair moments. And since you know I obviously suck and really need so much help I've been in a ball for months saying whyyyyy me??!!??!  

If you knew me in person you'd know I'm being facetious. 

Everytime I'd have a jealous or bitter feeling. Or life's not fair why me.  I'd left myself feel it for 5 minutes then say nope not today girl. You have far more to get through so keep pushing through. 

But when someone is so far removed from your life who thinks a comment like that is appropriate knowing damn well it was a low blow because it was not coming from a place of caring (or else they would have asked how you were one damn time in 3 months) then it hurts to your core. 

The group I needed the most really let me down. And it's ok. I've been dealing with let downs my entire life. I have also stood up for those who can't or won't without regret. 

And I'll continue to do so because if I see an issue I'm finding a way to address and fix it. 

It may take a day, a month, or years but I'll never sit back and wallow in misery. 

I will never ever be the same without Grant. Never. I will ALWAYS feel pain. 

Oh yes I know I won't be the last to lose a child (thanks dickhead) but HE WAS MY CHILD. And no matter how upset you are with someone you NEVER FUCKING SAY THAT TO A GRIEVING PARENT. 

Just shows me what kind of insides that person has. 

To make my son proud in Heaven is the only thing worth fighting for when it comes to standing up for those who can't. And I know my son was proud and is proud. Because my character is very important to me. 

Just sad that when people don't agree with my thougts and feelings even when really hurt they think and feel it's appropriate to try and sink them with my grief. 

You got me yesterday. Sure did. Mr. B was so angry. He saw the raw pain in my eyes. 

And for those other people. I bet they walk away forgetting in a few days. I Will carry those hurtful words forever. 

But I Will continue on with my love for my son, daughters and amazing husband. 

Grief has no end. Plain and simple. And I am a pretty laid back but no non sense person. 

Even when I don't agree with someone I don't throw low blows. Because well anyone can do that. Especially if I knew someone was in pain from losing a child. 

It makes me really sad. Really really sad. 

I do NOT need to deal with shit like that right now. 

Because you know I'm over here actually going through the stages of grief. Trying to take one step foward. Thank youfor knocking me 10 steps backward asshole. 

It's ok. Today I got up swinging and made up as many steps I could. 

I also fixed my issue. It will no longer be one. :)

I am thankful that they have never experienced losing their child. I hope they never have to. Not a silly threat either as some liked to think in their warped head 

 Doesn't matter if your child is 3 months, 5 years, or 27. Pain is pain. 

And I've got a tanker full of it. 

But my boat hasn't sunk. Just took in a little water. 

My son. I love you more than I can ever express. I know God and Jesus have shown you how full of love my heart is for you. 

My baby you'll always be

Every day

Everyday I look forward to nights when everyone goes to sleep. 

It may seem silly because often it's my time to cry and be sad but it's also my time with you. 

We used to watch CSI Miami and Law & Order on WE. You'd kick me and I'd get Braxton Hicks. 

I still feel you with me. That's why I watch episodes I've already seen over and over again. 

Because it was our thing...just me and you love. 

It hurts so much

My baby you'll always be...

Rough

I've had a rough couple of days. Probably the worst since those first few weeks. 

I anticipate I'll be ok next week and then gear up for a horrible birthday, due date, and 4 months missing my boy. 

I wish I could describe the pain I have when I say I miss him. It's unbearable. 

My baby you'll always be

Broke Down

I broke down yesterday. As in 7 hours of breaking down. My periods coming soon and I know that will be gut wrenching coupled with Grant being gone for 3 months 

I woke up this morning feeling so defeated and sad. I'm crying again. But don't want to. Only because I have a horrible headsche from crying so much yesterday and being dehydrated. 

When I get in one of these moods I don't want to do anything. Work, clean, laundry, or even eat. 

I didn't eat last night, won't eat breakfast and probably won't eat lunch. I know I'm only hurting myself and I know it was a fluke but I almost punish myself because I was supposed to protect my son. 

My only son. Possibly forever. 

Inconsolabley heartbroken. 

You need a boy...

A has been asking to get pancakes for weeks. So we finally go to a local place by our house today. 

Of course our waitress walks up probably about 7 months pregnant still trying to fit in pre pregnancy clothes which is not working. 

No hi how are you?  No my name is...nope. 

Oh no boys?  You need a boy!  You need to try for a boy?!  Looks at A wouldn't you want a brother?  You can have mine if you want. 

Mr. B and I just looked at each other awkwardly like "did she just fucking say that?"  Sorry no other way to say it. 

A looked at her confused like why is this lady saying this to me?

We were both prepared for "how many children do you have?"  I would have easily said 2 living girls and one boy in heaven. 

But that. I literally felt like she knocked the wind out of me. 

I know she had no way of knowing that we DO have a son and he's gone but why would she go on and on about it?

What if it took a lot to get the girls?  What if they were adopted?  What if I had to have an emergency hysterectomy and my chances of children were gone forever?  Or WHAT IF I had a stillborn?....

And the comment of you can have mine made me think she already has a son at home and would have preferred a girl. 

2 steps forward...one step back. 

2 steps forward...

5 steps back. 

Just as I thought...key word is thought I was doing well I sunk again. 

You know losing a child is obviously emotionally taxing but mentally it's a bitch too. 

I had doing okay for about 3 days. That night I had this huge wave of guilt hit me. So time consuming that I stopped what I was doing to apologize to Grant. 

Apologized!

I apologize all of the time to him because I just feel like I should've been able to save him. I know that's unrealistic but that's my reality. 

And now I'm apologizing about sort of being happy for a few days. 

I cried myself to sleep that night after talking with him again. 

The next day was going ok and then the infamous tidal wave hit me again. 

And I was a wreck. 

When I get in that space I walk around in a daze. I can feed the girls and make sure they'e alive haha but nothing else exists. I physically can't eat. 

Which I would love if I were dropping weight but after initially dropping 15 pounds I'm at a stand still because I'm not breast feeding :(

Today at swim lessons a little boy about 13 months old was wearing the same old school Mickey shirt we got Grant to wear that matched the shirt Mr. B when we were at Disney. 

That's the hard part. Those stings. More like a dagger to the heart. 

So after lessons I blared A Thousand Years and Gone Too Soon and remembered my sweet boy and embraced the girls talking about him. 

I miss you my love. 

Gaping hole

I just miss you so much. It's funny I read something yesterday that said "there's not a DAY that goes by that I don't think about you"

Wow would I love that. To only feel utter and complete sadness, anguish, misery, heartbreak, bitterness, jealousy for only one moment of the day. 

If I have gone more than 3-4 minutes without thinking about you and remembering the day I found out and the day we delivered you that is that is a good day. 

Now not all of the moments I'm thinking about you are sad. I know how amazing and precious you are. But then that DOES make me sad because you're not here. 

I should be having strangers say "whoa due any minute right?" And me saying "oh no still two months to go". 

What I'd give to be completely miserable in this summer heat just to have you. 

I got a hold of a lady who retouches stillborn pictures for free. She did two for us. 

It was so strange seeing you different but you definitely had your daddies nose. 

I miss you with every aching part of my body my wonderful son. 

I know you know that. I know you feel this. I know you don't want me to be sad but how can I not be?  The greatest gift and miracle that was to complete me and our family is not here physically. 

My baby you'll always be

2 months

It's amazing that it's already been two months at 12:14pm that we said hello and goodbye to you Grant. 

This entire week I relived the whole induction/labor process and delivery. 

I do not like to relive that Thursday. 

It feels like yesterday. And when I say that I mean down to smells, exhaustion, pain. All of it. Yet it feels like years ago that part of my soul was ripped out from me. 

Today we blew bubbles to your tree and to you in heaven. 

You didn't stop chiming your wind chime. A red robin flew infront if me today. We saw four dragonflies. 

I know you were here with us love. 

My heart aches....

It's Been Awhile

Still here...still sad...still in pain. 

It's sort of the same thing. I'll have a decent day or two and then get knocked down again. 

It's getting harder in some ways. 

Today I had some hard things. I know people really do care but sometimes they don't think of their actions and it really kills me. 

The girls are smart. I know I am doing my job because they get life. Unfortunately for me that means playing on my emotions. 

Sometimes when A 2.0 isn't getting her way and starts to cry she'll say "I'm crying because I miss my baby brother". 

Now there's no doubt she misses him. But she just turned 3. I know she does that to get her way. 

But today was soul crushing. 

A would not lay down to nap. After asking her 6 times I finally said A I'll have to give you a spanken if you don't stop because you're kicking us. 

Without missing a beat she says...

"Grant would not like that if you did that". 

Wow

Gut fucking punch

I couldn't believe that 

I firmly told her we would not be doing that anymore. That it is not right to talk about Grant like that. 

It really hurt. 

Song

So the song A Thousand Years is so beautiful. I know it was in Twilight (😁) but not only does this song remind me of the day I will see Grant again but it reminds me what I would feel when I meet my future rainbow baby (If I'm lucky enough). 

It just really resonates with me. 

Mr B. Has been out of town all week so I just sent him the lyrics and he wrotr back and said those are beautiful. 

Not fair

You know what's not fair?

Ungrateful people getting pregnant. 

Whiney assholes who are pregnant. 

Attention whores who are pregnant. 

Insensitive jerks who are pregnant. 

People who didn't even want to pregnant. 

People who aren't appreciative of their pregnancy. 

It's not fucking fair!  There I said it. 

I'm so tired of people who know me running their damn mouths with not a care in the world as to how it makes me and others with loss feel. 

This by no means not to share happy moments in your life but if you know me and I mean actually know me or anyone with a loss as a human...as a decent human being you should be able to muster up enough compassion and common sense to limit your complaints. 

You know what my complaint is?

I couldn't choose the urn for my son. 

My husband picked up our sons death  certificate last week but didn't tell me because I got my first period after losing my son and I cried hysterically all night. 

I can't open my sons closet without being nauseous yet can't turn away because that's all I have left. 

That my daughters keep asking when we'll give them a new baby brother or sister. 

That A 2.0 is not referring to her old room as Grant's room she refers it as the new babies room. 

That I don't know if I'll ever have another baby that I yearned for. 

Those are just a few of my complaints right now. 

But please do tell me how much morning sickness sucks, or your sciatic, or bed rest. 

Please I really want to hold your hand through it. 

And this whole time all I keep thinking is how I should be handling this with Grace and should feel ashamed to feel this way and not post it. 

But this is how I feel at this moment. 

The days are getting harder. Not easier. Not like everyone who hasn't gone through it says. 

But on my stillbirth group I know it's normal. 

I hate this. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be envious. 

That is not fair to my sweet baby boy. 

So please God take these horrible feelings away from me so I can focus on my girls and son. 

And work on communicating with my husband on what I need to try and heal.

It's always darkest before dawn. 

Tidal Wave

Yesterday was a fairly good day. 

Today...oh no. Today was a fucking tidal wave. Sorry no other way to say it. 

I got my first period since November 2014. 

My first period since having Grant. 

I have been a wreck. 

It reminded me Grant is gone. 

It reminded me I may never have another child. 

I do not know what my future holds. 

No control

I am crushed

Triggers

Going to A's tbal games suck. 

There's just noway around it. 

Always pregnant women, little babies, little boys. 

I should be that pregnant lady with a good sized belly being I would be 29 weeks. 

29 weeks....

I saw a pregnant lady who looked to be about that as we were walking to the consession stand. 

I just grabbed A 2.0's hand a little harder and hung my head. 

It really stung. 

And while I'm over the initial shock of this all and have gone through most of the grieving stages I think in a sense this will get harder. 

This is when it will get really real. 

The 28 week milestone, missing the GD test, getting closer to due date, summer where Grant woud wear his polos to match his daddy, wearing his LSU and Saints gear, holidays. 

I'm just not ready for all of those reminders. I truly feel like there is a void in our home now. I mean there will always be. Grant's not here. 

But it's more than that for me. 

Happy One Month Birthday

It's Grant's One Month Birthday since he was born and went to Heaven. 

Today was hard. 

Emotionally I have nothing more to give/say. 

So I'll just say I'm allowed to have these days. 

I love you Grant

Gone Too Soon

The band Daughtry wrote a song about miscarriage/stillbirth loss. It really is beautiful and I'm so happy something mainstream is tackling the issue. 

We often feel left out because there's just not enough about this sad issue. 

But I have to say everytime the lyric "not anday goes by that I don't think of you" and "would you have my smile...and her eyes" it hurts so bad. 

I pictured Grant as me. When both of the girls were born everyone said they looked like Mr. B but I just KNEW that Grant would look like me. 

I knew he would be bigger and longer. 

I knew he'd have dark thick hair like me. 

I knew he'd end up having my dark brown eyes. 

I just knew. 

I love you my angel baby. Mommies planning something special for your one month birthday in heaven. 

Would've been...

Today would've been my 28 week appointment. I would've been tested for GB. 

Instead today was exactly 4 weeks since I was told the most horrific news of my life. 

It honestly just doesn't seem real to me. 

I am very well aware that I am bo longer pregnant. 

Down only 15+ pounds I'm left very thick due to not breast feeding and eating properly. 

I'm left with breasts that still have milk to nourish a baby that is no longer. 

I look at all of the bereavement cards, the flowers, the urn. 

But sometimes it really does feel like a bad dream. 

I had a dream last night that I just HAD to get cracklin.

That's one of the only things that would sometimes settle my stomach for an hour or so. And in my dream I was still pregnant with Grant. 

Talk about a waking living nightmare. 

I found a few songs that were soecifically written about stillborns. I had a little cry but for the most part was just really happy that those songs exist. 

One being from Daughtry. It's great to see a popular group address it. 

I wish there wasn't a need for such songs but glad they exist. 

We'll keep plugging along. One foot infront of the other. 

I have heard some say you need to MOVE ON. 

There is no such thing. 

I will try and MOVE FORWARD. But NEVER MOVE ON. 

Grant the Great I don't even know how to describe my sadness, pain, heartbreak, and yearning to hold you and love on you. 

But I know you do know. Because God showed you and you see because I know you're here with me. 

And one day we will physicslly embrace and I'll never let you go my sweet son. Never. 

My baby you'll always be

Ugh

Thank goodness for this quote right now

Steel Magnolias

We love this movie. And I mean A and myself. For her 5th birthday in November she wants a Steel Magnolias themed birthday party...no lie. 

When playing she gets a southern drawl and pretends to be Shelby. 

So it was on tv today. Just the end when Shelby passes. I always cry but the funeral really hit me hard. 

When M'Lynn says will that little boy ever know what Shelby went through just to have him and raise him for a year. 

It took me back to the day I delivered Grant. I was in so much pain physically but of course emotionally too. 

Mr. B was holding him crying and whispered "see that woman right there?...she went through so much pain to have you...she loves you much".  

I would do it again for my little boy even if the outcome was the same. I would have my heart broken over and over again. 

Because that's what mothers do...that's the amount of love I have for my children. 

I miss you my love. 

My baby you'll always be...

A Mothers Day Post- You are the Mother of all Mothers

Today was really hard. 

On one hand my girls and Mr. B did wonderful. They were so excited and thoughtful. 

But on the other hand all I could think of was Grant. And how my belly would be getting so big and how next week would be my GD test and 28 week appointment. 

The girls picked out a few wax melts and one of them was some kind of fall cookie that made me think of how I decorate for the fall and Thanksgiving. It reminded me of football season and how much I love the holidays and just how excited I was that Grant would be here for that. 

I'm not sonsure this year I'll be able to use any of those because it will break my heart. 

I got an amazing book in from some friends. It's called You're the Mother of all Mothers. 

The very first page had me crying. It ws saying exactly how Infeel right now. 

The whole damn book was perfect. I cried, I was sad, I was validated, I was at eace for the moment. 

I just miss you Grant. I don't want you gone. 

I'm so glad today is over. 

2 week follow up

Yesterday I had my two week post partal appointment. But more like 2.5 week pp. 

My doctor spent a lot of time with me which I really appreciated. 

Not all of the pathology labs were back and neither were chromosonal. 

But this is what she did know. 

I do have one marker for a blood clotting gene but only one and not the other you usually need plus she didn'tnsee anything to show cause for a clot in the cord. 

My herpes 1 was elevated. No surprise I have gotten cold sores since Inwas a child. The cut off is .89 and Inwas at .90. So only 1/10th and she says she doesn't think that's the cause. 

She thought it was going to be parvo (never knew adults could get this until I was researching) but I am immune. 

She does not really think it will be chromosonal. My quad screen at 16 weeks was great and he looked fantastic at 20 weeks. 

So there are two sides to the placenta that she cultured. Maternal which is what is attached to the uterus and the other side which is attached to the cord. 

I can't remember what side she saidbut it  came back positive for enterococcus infection. 

She said she doesn't know for sure if that is what killed Grant or since he had been passed for awhile if Ingot the infection after. 

I have a strong feeling when his pathology comes back that it will show he had the infection as well.

It just maks sense for how things transpired. 

She said she does not think I'm at a risk for another stillbirth but since I've had one if we have another child I would see her and an MFM which is a specialist who will most likely do more testing plus more ultrasounds/monitoring. 

My doc said she wiuld have no problem running more tests at my visits eithe and she could give both Mr. B and I zpaks every month just as a preventitive in case I were to get another infection. 

I felt really good after the appointment. I'm really hoping we get Grant's pathology in the next week or two just to know for sure. 

I love you my sweet boy. I think about you every second of the day. 

Today was a hard day...

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. 

It was created for women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths. 

The sad reason for it is in many cases like that (especially if it was someone's first child) is because people don't always see those mothers as mothers. 

It's quite sad because no mother should have to feel like just because she had a limited time with their child (even if in the womb) should feel like their not a mother. 

So until everyone can see everyone as mothers we'll need this day. 

This morning was tough and I was doing ok. We went and got a bracket for Grant's beautiful wind chime. 

It was time for a nap. I nap with the girls but don't allow Me. B to because the girls never fall asleep. 

A cried and cried. So of course he caved. And like before they wouldn't go to sleep. So I said he could take A to her room but I could keep A 2.0. She freaked!  Screaming and crying. Carried on for 10 minutes before I broke down. 

I got up and told him to handle it and I was out. I left. And I drove and I cried. And I parked the car back at home and had a really good hard cry. 

I hadn't really been alone since having Grant and I needed it. 

I came in and slunked into my bed. Mr. B came in and held me and I fell asleep for a bit. 

The rest of the day I was fine. I just needed to get that out. I cry but not like that. It's what I needed to do. 

To be honest I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day. I should've been so excited. I would be 27 weeks. Getting ready to do my geststional diabetes test and knowing that even if Grant needed to be born early he'd have a great chance of survival. 

I've read through all of the infections that can cause stillbirths. I want answers but know that most would be caused by me. 

That is hard to swallow but would be good for closure and for the possible future. 

I love and miss you Grant the Great. 

My baby you'll always be

2 weeks

2 loong and fast weeks since I delivered my baby boy. 

I was on high alert today. Basically on days I think I'm doing better if I push myself to go out and do something and peole are loud, I see people mistreating their kids, see infants, if the girls are running around with a lot of energy I get very upset. 

Almost panick attack like. I have never had a lot of anxiety before, been depressed, or had a panick attack. If it continues in the next few weeks I'll seek help but I have to keep reminding myself it's only been two weeks since my world was turned upside down.

I want to always believe I'm the rock for everyone. That I've always been strong and get through everything but this...this was my son. My growing baby. 

Today I felt immense guilt about what I could have done to save him. I know that most likely there would have been nothing but as a mother you want to protect your children no matter how small they are. And when you fail...well you feel like a failure and the guilt rises. 

Grant your magnolia tree is about to bloom. I look at your tree everyday my love. And I smile knowing you're there with me when I do. 

I just love and miss you so much my son. My heart breaks daily. And just as I feel strong I get knocked down by the pain. 

But I will cry when I need to cry and stand strong when I can because you deserve that from your mommy. To be strong for you. To live for you. I know you're here. I just wish you were physically here in my arms. My sweet angel. 

My baby you'll always be

Stuck

Today it hit me....I'm stuck. 

Tomorrow is two weeks since I delivered my precious boy sleeping and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. 

I remember every single minute once my doctor starting looking for a heartbeat to delivering him to now. 

The seconds drag on. And maybe that's why it also feels like 10 years ago. Because that sadness and pain I have endured so far has added 10 years to my life already. 

You want the weeks to speed by in hopes you'll be a little stronger each day but at the same time you don't because then it feels like you're wanting to move on from your beautiful child. 

I'm just stuck

How many children do you have?

So today I went to get a massage. And while filling out the questionaire beforehand there it was...

How many children do you have?

It stung sure but it was more of a buttersweet feeling. 

I PROUDLY put 3. It made me sad but I was also proud. Proud of my boy for most likely trying to fight off an infection. 

Proud of his presnce he keeps around us. 

He is mine. Always will be. 

My 3

Quotes

So the debate for trying for another baby is hot snd heavy in our house and Indon't mean in a good way. 

I'm not ready to divulge that topic yet and want to put andisclaimer out now. 

This is very normal especially for women to feel. 

In no way, shape, or form am I trying to replace Grant. He will always be in my heart...in fact that hole will always be in my heart too. 

Until the day we die we will mourn the loss of our son. 

But I do need joy. I do need to bring life into this world. I do need to feel in control of something. 

So I will leave you with two things that have stuck out to me in researching about pregnancy after a loss for hopefully when that time comes I'll already know all the emotions that come with that. 

Urn

That's something you don't think about for children or infants....urns

Mr. B and I had narrowed it down between two completely different urns. 

We wanted something to sit on our mantle so we could talk to Grant whenever we wanted (not that we need that to do so) but also something that regular visitors wouldn't know what it was. 

We decided to let the girls decide between the two. And wouldn't you know it like always they disagreed. Over and over and over again. 

So later on I journaled to Grant and said you'll see this for the rest of your life and you'll end up being the deciding factor a lot :). Please give me a sign on which urn you think is best. 

So a little later I showed the pictures again and like the first time Ali picked the one we went with but when it was Ava's turn she IMMEDIATELY yelled that one!  Which was the one Ali wanted. 

I asked a few times showing her the pictures and each time she said the same thing. 

I looked up and smiled and thanked my sweet boy for helping with such a tough decision. 

Today the urn came in...

It's beautiful. 

Grant came in a clear bag from the funeral home and this urn had a nice little cream satchel. So we put the clear bag in the satchel and we all gave him a kiss. 

Now our Grant the Great resides on our mantle where alllll of those wonderful cards are to show just how precious and important he was/is to everyone. 

You will always be with me my love. But now whenever we move you'll come too. 

My baby you'll always be....

Written on April 21st

I miss your kicks

I miss the BH contractions

I miss the feeling of not being able to breathe

I miss rubbing my belly and smiling

I miss talking to you

I miss day dreaming of our future with you

I miss Ali kissing my belly saying Hi baby

I miss Ava saying Baby Grant

I'm so sad about Halloween and Tday and our first christmas together

I'm sad those polos I got you to match daddy won't be worn

I pictured you in my arms with my thick dark black hair

I pictured you bigger than your sisters

I pictured your gas smiles while sleeping

I pictured your eyes fluttering during REM sleeping

I pictured you sitting with daddy watching football this football season

I pictured having a good mothers day

I pictured having the best bday present ever

I pictured smelling your breath right away just like I did with your sisters

I pictured nursing you

I pictured you sleeping on my chest

I pictured your sisters being in love with you

All of that can not be but we will always love you. 

You were our first born son

You were our third child

You will always be talked about. Never ashamed. 

Your sisters and possible future sibling will know you too. When people ask how many children I have I will proudly say 3. 2 loving girls and one boy born sleeping. Because you were real. 

You were ours. 

My baby you'll always be

Delivery

We arrived at 12:30 on Saturday the 18th for the induction. 

Megan was our nurse. 

She was so incredibely sweet and walked us through everything that would be happening. 

She took a ton of blood so she wouldn't have to bother me again. 

Then she gave me ---- which would help me to start contracting. Very soon after I started to feel crampy. 

When I laid on my right side the contractions were much stronger. 

Mike fell asleep for a bit and I was able to for a little bit. 

At 5am I was checked and I was still not dialted. So another round of --- this time the contractions really hit hard. 

It was nurse switch and nurse Kim came on at 7. 

She was so sweet and told us more on what to expect. 

The contractions were becoming harder so I asked for something but not an epidural because that would most likely mean an overnight stay. She gave me stadol. 

I did not like that!  As soon as I took it with contractions I felt like I was going to pass out. I felt very hot. Kim started leaving a bp cuff on and said my bp was fine. 

The stadol took the edge off of the contractions but I still felt like a knife was stabbing my vagina. 

Also from about 5am I would have diarrhea every hour like clock work. 

Dr Davis came in around 9 and said I was 2 cm or more. I was also told that I probably only needed to be about 5/6 dilated to have Grant. 

She did not want to give another round of --- because she felt my body was doing it on it's own but if I noticed my contractions slowing a lot we would do a dose at 1pm. 

From then on the contractions got heavy. Very painful. And I started to feel sick. 

Mike was facetiming with the girls and then I got sick. 

Nurse Kim gave me a shot of phengren to help with that. 

I would literally fall asleep for 30 seconds to two minutes and wake screaming with a contraction. 

Around 11 I asked for more stadol but it did the same thing as earlier. No help. 

Nurse Kim was going on lunch so Nurse Kristin would be covering. 

I finally was going to bite the bullet and get an epi but asked to be checked. 

This was about 11:45. She checked and said I was dilated 10cm and she could feel the bag of waters bulging. 

Because of the circumstances she said I could still get an epi but I said no. 

They paged Dr Davis. She came in and checked and said the same thing. She said she did not want to break the waters because of situations like this especially since I've had two previous sections he could possibly just follow right out from the bag. 

I had been bearing down during contractions for awhile to help through them. 

They were soooo painful at this point. I kept pushing through and felt a little pressure. 

Then I really felt pressure. I knew something was about to happen. 

I think it took two or three more contractions and with a push gooosh!

And I opened my eyes for a split second and there was the water bag, blood, fluid, and my baby boy. Laying on his right side and he had turned (well the fluid made him float and turn) and he came out head first.

 (The confirmation ultrasound listed him as breech). 

I closed my eyes to get through the rest of the contraction. 

Then Dr Davis cut his tiny little cord and they scooped him up to clean him and take some pictures. 

They started me on pitocin to help get the placenta out and start contracting my uterus since I wouldn't obviously be breast feeding. 

They let us hold him for a minute then took a few naked pictures. Then took him to bereavement to take a few samples to test for infection and chromosomal. 

About 15 minutes later Dr Davis came back in and asked if I was contracting. I wasn't so she went in and pulled my placenta out. 

She's testing that as well. 

They then cleaned Grant up, did his foot prints, dressed him, took some pictures then let is hold him and took pictures of us. 

I was able to get a little cleaned up which felt good. 

We took turns holding Grant and talking to him. 

Mike was a mess. Crying a lot. 

I stayed strong that whole day. I knew that day I had to be strong for my baby boy. 

I looked over every crevice of his body that wasn't clothed. I whispered special things to him that only him and I will ever know. 

I couldn't tell if he had my toes because they were too closed together but he definitely had my chin. 

It was hard. He had been passed for awhile so his eye brows and lips were white where the skin was changing. 

His face was a little swollen so I fully expect it to come back as some kind of infection. 

But from his side view I could see a resemblance of the girls. 

Some parts of his body his skin was peeling (shoulders etc). 

His body was soft and tacky and reddish of course. 

But he was my boy. 

We had a chaplain come in and bless him. Nurse Kim stayed and prayed with us. 

The chaplain gave us a beautiful white cloth with a cross stitched that she put on him while praying. She also gave us a bigger cross which was nice. 

Around 4 we were going to be transferred to recovery so we said our final physical goodbyes to our first son. 

In recovery I was able to get to eat after I hadn't eaten in 24 hours. 

Someone came in to take info for the death certificate....death certificate. What a horrible thing. 

I was doing well so I asked if I could be released around 5:30. 

I got dressed and waited for a wheelchair. 

It never came. So I opened my door. 

And there on the door was a picture of a leaf with a rain drop falling on it.

I knew right away that meant parent of a loss and to try and keep her away from crying babies. 

My nurse came back and wheeled me to the car. 

And with that we left our sweet boy there alone. 

I love you my son. Until we meet again...

April 16th

It was the day of my 6 month appointment. 

The night before I actually had a tiny bit of reddish to pink discharge but no cramping. This also happened at 11 weeks and I had to see a NP and did an internal ultrasound which showed everything was well. 

Then it went away. 

But I mentioned it to my doc. I had an uneasy feeling deep down. I'm sure I knew on some level. 

Grant just wasn't a kicker. So it was common to go a day without feeling him. 

I had even brought the girls. 

And then she couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. 

The girls were being loud and silly and I knew my doctor was growing anxious. I'm sure just blaming it on them but I knew better. 

She brought in her old ultrasound machine. She had to turn the lights completely off. 

I knew right away there was no heartbeat and my doctor started to cry and say I'm sorry. 

She wanted me to get a real ultrasound just in case. So the nurse escorted me and the girls down (the looks in the waiting room of the doc and ultrasound were of oh shit this can't be good looks). 

I Was escorted right away into a room and the nurse kept the girls outside. 

The tech right away said I'm sorry.

She did a quick measurement and when the info popped up I saw EDD 8/10/2015 then the computers EDD 9/5/2015. 

Right away I knew something bad happened soon after my 5 month scan. 

It was picture perfect by the way. I say it was the most detailed ultrasound I've ever had. And I've had roughly 20 between the three. 

That tech checked placement or organs and functionality of them, valves in the heart, certain things in the brain, even checked for cleft lip and palate. 

My quad screen was negative at 16 weeks. 

So we shuffled back to the doctors actual office. 

The girls were oblivious. Getting suckers and kicking off their rain boots to relax. 

I couldn't even muster the strength to cal Me. b. I text. We lost him. He called inconsolable and I told him In Couldn't right now. 

My doctor told me that I could go for an induction right away or come back whenever I Was ready. And even though I had two previous sections she wanted me to deliver vaginally. 

I literally thought what in the fuck?  But she said he would be small enough she wasn't concerned with any issues and it wasn't good to have a section for him being so small. 

So I left saying I would call the next day (Friday). 

Mr. b had zoomed there and met us at the elevators. 

I kept my cool until we got to the car and we both lost it. 

Our baby boy...our first boy....our third child was gone....

Those horrible gut wrenching words...

I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat. 

I sucked at the blog thing. I really did. 

I felt such guilt over not updating weekly like I did with the girls but I was sooo sick this pregnancy coupled with working from home, doing all household stuff and having the girls at home left me no available feeling giddy enough to update. 

But let me assure you. My little boy was soooo loved by me. So so loved. 

And then it was all taken away from me in an instant.